18.8.09
20.6.09
12.6.09
10.6.09
6.6.09
"We're sick for the big sun
Alone and drip drip drip drip drip drip drip
I realize that too
True, true and everlasting
Didn't last that long
We're the lonesome
We're the lonesome
Yeah
True and everlasting
Didn't last that long "
i wish i could know what you were doing right now. i wish i was there with you and here and in a million other places. i know we did nothing wrong. i feel this insatiable desire to run and see the world. i want to be in 5 different places. i want to loose who i am and find a new me. tonight i am sad at who i am and what i have done. i know that it is partly because it is 00:24 and i am anxious. i know that it is partly because something miss fires in me and it is like a starting gun. i start off thinking that a run would be good but soon i am just alone. alone with this head of guilt and shame. i use to be able to see the future and while it is fun to think and day dream that is all it really feels like. i wonder if even next week is possible. i just have to go minute by minute or else it overwhelms and i feel like drowning. sometimes it just seems pointless and a futile. i am glad that friends a porch some beers and a moon can tempt me to come alive in the morning and try again. keep tempting me moon you are doing fine. i need a soft thing to focus my eyes on. this morning i awoke to a gun shot (for real) maybe tomorrow i will feel the wind and hopeful to hear you speak to my heart. bring it i am wide awake and i need to feel your touch. i know i might or rather really honestly not like what you have to say but it needs to be said. i am just like my heart deceitful and wicked above all things who could know it..... i don't like that i need some changes. lets operate. ready go.
Alone and drip drip drip drip drip drip drip
I realize that too
True, true and everlasting
Didn't last that long
We're the lonesome
We're the lonesome
Yeah
True and everlasting
Didn't last that long "
i wish i could know what you were doing right now. i wish i was there with you and here and in a million other places. i know we did nothing wrong. i feel this insatiable desire to run and see the world. i want to be in 5 different places. i want to loose who i am and find a new me. tonight i am sad at who i am and what i have done. i know that it is partly because it is 00:24 and i am anxious. i know that it is partly because something miss fires in me and it is like a starting gun. i start off thinking that a run would be good but soon i am just alone. alone with this head of guilt and shame. i use to be able to see the future and while it is fun to think and day dream that is all it really feels like. i wonder if even next week is possible. i just have to go minute by minute or else it overwhelms and i feel like drowning. sometimes it just seems pointless and a futile. i am glad that friends a porch some beers and a moon can tempt me to come alive in the morning and try again. keep tempting me moon you are doing fine. i need a soft thing to focus my eyes on. this morning i awoke to a gun shot (for real) maybe tomorrow i will feel the wind and hopeful to hear you speak to my heart. bring it i am wide awake and i need to feel your touch. i know i might or rather really honestly not like what you have to say but it needs to be said. i am just like my heart deceitful and wicked above all things who could know it..... i don't like that i need some changes. lets operate. ready go.
2.6.09
16.5.09
10.5.09
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
--John Bell, “The Summons”
In my family being a follower was not a desirable role. In the Christian life, though, we must learn to follow God and to allow ourselves to be led by the model of the Good Shepherd.
In my own journey, “running out ahead of God” has been a challenge. Especially when I first returned to the church and was filled with the ardor for new paths of ministry, I plunged headlong into everything. I would pray for guidance and wait—for a while—but if I hadn’t gotten a clear sense of direction (from any of the ways I learned to “hear” God), I just launched out in the direction I chose-- or the direction my ego chose. Of course, discernment is challenging— but often I was just impatient—as so many of us are in this culture.
Other reasons for not following well are that our lives are too cluttered to even hear divine direction, fear of what God will ask of us, fear of loss of control, concern over loss of importance or, on the opposing pole, reticence at being called into the light of leadership.
However, if we are on the path of spiritual transformation, we learn that whether we “follow well” or not, God will teach us all we need to know. But there’s something about “hooking elbows” with Jesus and hitting the road together, something about feeling the current of our lives flowing with the confluence of God’s-stream that is exciting and peaceful all at once.
Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me. Amen.
(John Bell)
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
--John Bell, “The Summons”
In my family being a follower was not a desirable role. In the Christian life, though, we must learn to follow God and to allow ourselves to be led by the model of the Good Shepherd.
In my own journey, “running out ahead of God” has been a challenge. Especially when I first returned to the church and was filled with the ardor for new paths of ministry, I plunged headlong into everything. I would pray for guidance and wait—for a while—but if I hadn’t gotten a clear sense of direction (from any of the ways I learned to “hear” God), I just launched out in the direction I chose-- or the direction my ego chose. Of course, discernment is challenging— but often I was just impatient—as so many of us are in this culture.
Other reasons for not following well are that our lives are too cluttered to even hear divine direction, fear of what God will ask of us, fear of loss of control, concern over loss of importance or, on the opposing pole, reticence at being called into the light of leadership.
However, if we are on the path of spiritual transformation, we learn that whether we “follow well” or not, God will teach us all we need to know. But there’s something about “hooking elbows” with Jesus and hitting the road together, something about feeling the current of our lives flowing with the confluence of God’s-stream that is exciting and peaceful all at once.
Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me. Amen.
(John Bell)
9.5.09
...three, four
Talkin to the songbird yesterday
Flew me to a place not far away
She's a little pilot in my mind
Singin songs of love to pass the time
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
Talkin to the songbird yesterday
Flew me to a place not far away
She's a little pilot in my mind
Singin songs of love to pass the time
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
28.4.09
The second time around, you know it really got me down.
Sister don't you judge it, just keep it to yourself now. And
If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all.
I go bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit. I'm weary of the world it seems.
I'm weary of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way. I'm just a little bit off these
Days. Like I've had hard knocks all my life, like I'm a Bible
Belt wife. Like I didn't see it coming, like I didn't walk it
Willingly.
See, I never want to sing again. La la la like a butterfly.
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line.
Third time's a charm and this mine.
You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness
Seeping in. The cowboys made you uneasy, you're a
God-fearing lesbian. So you learn not to yearn and you
Take it on the chin again.
Here's what I find about compromise-Don't do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you're screwed, eventually
You'll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride.
Come August we'll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do
Her thing. Pack it into the Indian casino and make the
Hillbilly scene, kick up our heels and join in.
Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
Sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
Sister if you ain't go nothing good to say:don't say
Nothing at all.
Sister don't you judge it, just keep it to yourself now. And
If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all.
I go bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit. I'm weary of the world it seems.
I'm weary of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way. I'm just a little bit off these
Days. Like I've had hard knocks all my life, like I'm a Bible
Belt wife. Like I didn't see it coming, like I didn't walk it
Willingly.
See, I never want to sing again. La la la like a butterfly.
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line.
Third time's a charm and this mine.
You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness
Seeping in. The cowboys made you uneasy, you're a
God-fearing lesbian. So you learn not to yearn and you
Take it on the chin again.
Here's what I find about compromise-Don't do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you're screwed, eventually
You'll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride.
Come August we'll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do
Her thing. Pack it into the Indian casino and make the
Hillbilly scene, kick up our heels and join in.
Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
Sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
Sister if you ain't go nothing good to say:don't say
Nothing at all.
27.4.09
22.4.09
31.3.09
soon to be another vacancy
born to run, baby, run
like a steam down a mountainside
with the wind at my back
i don't ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along
who had a hold of my heart
but the demon and me
were the best of friends from the start
so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry
like a steam down a mountainside
with the wind at my back
i don't ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along
who had a hold of my heart
but the demon and me
were the best of friends from the start
so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry
30.3.09
This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought
on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing
on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought
on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing
on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl
23.3.09
22.3.09
21.3.09
"Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man’ will gladly go and self all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods. It is the kingly rule of Christ, for whose sake a man will pluck out the eye which causes him to stumble, it is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him.
Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: “ye were bought at a price,” and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us. Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us. Costly grace is the Incarnation of God." - Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Dicipleship
I want to live more aware of how much is involved in grace. I have those enlightning moments where I am amaized at grace and how much was truly laid on the line for me and they fade away; I want to have those everyday without it fading. I am feeling such a heavy heart today because often when I read lately I have been left with more question and doubt than what I started with; however today I realized that my doubt and dissapointment I feel is so human and often in people not the Lord. I need to apolagize to myself today I let you down in a major way. I am sorry.
20.3.09
One afternoon I knew I could love you
there is this bridge in cologne Germany that has something very unique that goes on. people will put locks on the chain link fence that is on the Hohenzollern bridge as a symbol of love. sometimes the locks are crude and just scribbled on with sharpee other times they are engraved with names. anyway it is a symbol for the two people in love. they lock it to the bridge and then throw the keys into the Rhine river below. this is something i have only seen at this place and something is so beautiful aboot it.
i keep thinking of the one afternoon i knew i could love you, and when i think aboot how beautiful it makes my heart feel; it feels like when the sun shines through on a cloudy day, you know the goose bump kind. you give me goose bumps.
Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care oh
- the killers "my list"
i keep thinking of the one afternoon i knew i could love you, and when i think aboot how beautiful it makes my heart feel; it feels like when the sun shines through on a cloudy day, you know the goose bump kind. you give me goose bumps.
Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care oh
- the killers "my list"
16.3.09
hotness
pure awesome. texas is hot 80 degrees. i am having fun with the sun and bet the moon will finally show his face tonight. i have missed the moon, more than the moon could ever know.
15.3.09
12.3.09
Another lonely night in Amersterdam
The stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes
I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...
The stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes
I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...
10.3.09
this is what breaks my heart and makes me want to be loud.
dan white murdered harvey milk and if you do not know about this incident it should be your 5 minute Wikipedia history lesson for the day.
i know that my sins yelled crucify just as loud as this guys, but i am going to use kindness and love to win my battles not glorification of a murderer.
Hanani Lord, work in me.
Please forgive my obstination,
so seldom on my knees.
And I will keep it to a whisper,
as the Great Physician works in me.
9.3.09
my better 3/4
i am happy with today without thinking aboot tomorrow. naivete never seemed such a nice sweater to be clothed in. just for the moment i will know what is happening to me. i will like the sound of your voice on the phone and get lost in it. i will feel the water on my body in the tub only for that moment. i will take deep breaths of fresh air to quickly and choke on the humidity before the storm. the pieces of the moon you hide beneath your pillow intrigue me. i want to see them, i want to know what makes you such a soft place to land. i trust you with my life and i have no idea why i would hold such faith in a human but do. i remember the moment i knew i could give you more of me than i often give myself. i see more in me now than then and while it is still a struggle i am feeling like i am on my way. you make today better than yesterday and you make now more important than ever. it makes me feel like a future is not a silly thing to dream of no matter what it could hold. i feel a little less freaked out.
i think i am ready to bust a move.... now we are rocking steady.
8.3.09
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
your eyes were covered in sunglasses
when they first met my eye
i sat there and stared at you
you didn't seem to mind
the awkward ways we meet
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
i never cared how i dressed before
but i cared that night
anticipation ran through my bones
and my clothes never fit right
i can't wait 'til we meet again
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
framed pictures start to be put on the walls
constant visits while im out on the road
its hard to leave sometimes
but you know where i lay my head at night
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
your eyes were covered in sunglasses
when they first met my eye
i sat there and stared at you
you didn't seem to mind
the awkward ways we meet
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
i never cared how i dressed before
but i cared that night
anticipation ran through my bones
and my clothes never fit right
i can't wait 'til we meet again
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
framed pictures start to be put on the walls
constant visits while im out on the road
its hard to leave sometimes
but you know where i lay my head at night
first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know
7.3.09
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid....
today i thought everything was going to be the same as any other day but i was quickly reminded how quick it all can change we are not made to last i just wish i could put my head on your lap will you tell me it is okay to cry i just need to cry i wish we were made to last
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid....
today i thought everything was going to be the same as any other day but i was quickly reminded how quick it all can change we are not made to last i just wish i could put my head on your lap will you tell me it is okay to cry i just need to cry i wish we were made to last
it is easy to get down when all you feel like is a yard man for someone elses yard
struggle "To use great efforts; to labor hard; to strive; to contend forcibly"
i share your burden in trying to find a true change in your soul. i wonder often aboot my struggle and if it is all in vein. i wonder if going to church is a way to make me feel better aboot myself or hold my self in higher regard to others. it feels like a constant up hill battle every day even when i feel at peace and happy i often find feelings of hypocrisy slip in. how can i be a witness when i fall down so often, how can i be a witness when i make up what i think is right in my own mind. the only comfort i ever find is G-ds love and how big it is. even in that some days i feel like a bad daughter because i sometimes battle with doubt that it could even exist, but those moments when the light shines through a cloud just so or i feel goosebumps i know there has to be something bigger than me.
the fact that something could create a universe for me and give me autonomy is amazing, but it always comes back to his love. that's when i know that even in my failures i am strong, because my heart always wants to share love with others. that fact that i just want to be genuine and really honest and loving is one i hope that he can respect and that shows people a glimpse into how big G-d is. i can say hey look at me i screw up a whole lot but i want to shine love into the world and the G-d i know can use even a wretch like me to do that. amazing that he can create something so perfect like the moon to show his beauty the same as he can use me. i am humbled by that.
do not get discouraged.
At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears. -Hebrews 12 11-14
i share your burden in trying to find a true change in your soul. i wonder often aboot my struggle and if it is all in vein. i wonder if going to church is a way to make me feel better aboot myself or hold my self in higher regard to others. it feels like a constant up hill battle every day even when i feel at peace and happy i often find feelings of hypocrisy slip in. how can i be a witness when i fall down so often, how can i be a witness when i make up what i think is right in my own mind. the only comfort i ever find is G-ds love and how big it is. even in that some days i feel like a bad daughter because i sometimes battle with doubt that it could even exist, but those moments when the light shines through a cloud just so or i feel goosebumps i know there has to be something bigger than me.
the fact that something could create a universe for me and give me autonomy is amazing, but it always comes back to his love. that's when i know that even in my failures i am strong, because my heart always wants to share love with others. that fact that i just want to be genuine and really honest and loving is one i hope that he can respect and that shows people a glimpse into how big G-d is. i can say hey look at me i screw up a whole lot but i want to shine love into the world and the G-d i know can use even a wretch like me to do that. amazing that he can create something so perfect like the moon to show his beauty the same as he can use me. i am humbled by that.
do not get discouraged.
At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears. -Hebrews 12 11-14
4.3.09
slight open mouth bite the bottom lip ....
i know that i have seen many of Terry Richardson's photographs before but today i thought i would share some kissing images....
2.3.09
crawl in the sun today as i chase all the monsters away
and i am glued to you but what am i supposed to do
when all i seem to do is bleed and you're the only one i need
oh i want to be addicted to you so i will chase after you like you
chase you chase after me like i chase after you
and i am glued to you but what am i supposed to do
when all i seem to do is bleed and you're the only one i need
oh i want to be addicted to you so i will chase after you like you
chase you chase after me like i chase after you
crawl in the sun today as i chase all the monsters away
and i think it's time for a change 'cause i won't, no i won't
and i feel so alone but that's the time i call my own yeah
now there's nothing left but you and me so i'll chase after you
like you chase after me like i chase after you
leave today i must take the time to heal
and i will steal what's mine and return
so just let it go and let it go
1.3.09
my palms get sweaty and it is on the tip of my toungue
ask me and i can tell you when we are not face to face.
we move mountains everyday and we never recognize the beauty of it.
we are all someones example of a life they would like to live.
some people live "successful" lives and never move someones heart. sure, there are plenty of wealthy liars out there. but me...
ive got to step it up, because i want something more.
more than the lies. i need to be better. i need you to know that i want to be better. and i need you to know that you are my inspiration. you.
we move mountains everyday and we never recognize the beauty of it.
we are all someones example of a life they would like to live.
some people live "successful" lives and never move someones heart. sure, there are plenty of wealthy liars out there. but me...
ive got to step it up, because i want something more.
more than the lies. i need to be better. i need you to know that i want to be better. and i need you to know that you are my inspiration. you.
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
Bright Eyes - Poison Oak
Poison oak, some boyhood bravery
When the telephone was a tin can on a string
And I fell asleep with you still talking to me
You said you weren't afraid to die
In polaroids you were dressed in women's clothes
Were you made ashamed, why'd you lock them in a drawer?
Well, I don't think that I ever loved you more
Than when you turned away, when you slammed the door
When you stole the car and drove towards Mexico
And you wrote bad checks just to fill your arm
I was young enough, I still believed in war
Well let the poets cry themselves to sleep
And all their tearful words will turn back into steam
But me, I'm a single cell on the serpent's tongue
There's a muddy field where a garden was
And I'm glad you got away but I'm still stuck out here
My clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears
And I never thought this life was possible
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
The end of paralysis, I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier
Poison oak, some boyhood bravery
When the telephone was a tin can on a string
And I fell asleep with you still talking to me
You said you weren't afraid to die
In polaroids you were dressed in women's clothes
Were you made ashamed, why'd you lock them in a drawer?
Well, I don't think that I ever loved you more
Than when you turned away, when you slammed the door
When you stole the car and drove towards Mexico
And you wrote bad checks just to fill your arm
I was young enough, I still believed in war
Well let the poets cry themselves to sleep
And all their tearful words will turn back into steam
But me, I'm a single cell on the serpent's tongue
There's a muddy field where a garden was
And I'm glad you got away but I'm still stuck out here
My clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears
And I never thought this life was possible
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
The end of paralysis, I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier
28.2.09
J. D. Salinger The New Yorker, January 31, 1948
There were ninety-seven New York advertising men in the hotel, and, with her little lacquer brush, while the phone was ringing, she went over the nail of her little finger, accentuating the line of the moon. She then replaced the cap on the bottle of lacquer and, standing up, passed her left--the wet--hand back and forth through the air. With her dry hand, she picked up a congested ashtray from the window seat and carried it with her over to the night table, on which the phone stood. She sat down on one of the made-up twin beds and--it was the fifth or sixth ring--picked up the phone.
"Hello," she said, keeping the fingers of her left hand outstretched and away from her white silk dressing gown, which was all that she was wearing, except mules--her rings were in the bathroom.
"Hello," she said, keeping the fingers of her left hand outstretched and away from her white silk dressing gown, which was all that she was wearing, except mules--her rings were in the bathroom.
jealousy, turning saints into the sea swimming through sick lullabies
my today included but not limited to:
*watching a complete cycle of america's next top model the cycle with kim in it... sweet!
*making plans to go out to a music show and drink some liquor but my conscious made me rethink that half way to the show and just came home home
* went to bed with, woke up in the night with, all day with, and currently still with a pit in my stomach
* said pit caused 4 trips to remove via mouth bile and other things eaten....* that lead to above graphic
*wishes she could just sleep... that would cure all that ales me
*if you were here i could sleep
27.2.09
I'm the ball in your game
look up at the moon
he will grin back at you
lets look up at the same time i will look for your reflection looking in the mirrors left by astronauts
deep breaths and foggy glasses
no hands just thought
i wish i could time travel to you
i want to live until 2082
i am ridiculously missing you like in a painful chest burning kinda way
my eyes are leaking and taking on water
where is my lifeboat
he will grin back at you
lets look up at the same time i will look for your reflection looking in the mirrors left by astronauts
deep breaths and foggy glasses
no hands just thought
i wish i could time travel to you
i want to live until 2082
i am ridiculously missing you like in a painful chest burning kinda way
my eyes are leaking and taking on water
where is my lifeboat
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady
u2 stand up comedy
Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…
I got to stand up and take a step
You and I have been asleep for hours
I got to stand up
The wire is stretched in between our two towers
Stand up in this dizzy world
Where a lovesick eye can steal the view
I’m gonna fall down if I can’t stand up
For your love
Love love love love love…
Stand up, this is comedy
The DNA lottery may have left you smart
But can you stand up to beauty, dictator of the heart
I can stand up for hope, faith, love
But while I’m getting over certainty
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady
Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love…
I gotta stand up to ego but my ego’s not really the enemy
It’s like a small child crossing an eight lane highway
On a voyage of discovery
Stand up to rock stars, Napolean is in high heels
Josephine, be careful of small men with big ideas
Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love…
God is love
And love is evolution’s very best day
Soul rockin’ people moving on
Soul rockin’ people on and on
C’mon ye people
We’re made of stars
C’mon ye people
Stand up then sit down for your love
Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…
I got to stand up and take a step
You and I have been asleep for hours
I got to stand up
The wire is stretched in between our two towers
Stand up in this dizzy world
Where a lovesick eye can steal the view
I’m gonna fall down if I can’t stand up
For your love
Love love love love love…
Stand up, this is comedy
The DNA lottery may have left you smart
But can you stand up to beauty, dictator of the heart
I can stand up for hope, faith, love
But while I’m getting over certainty
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady
Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love…
I gotta stand up to ego but my ego’s not really the enemy
It’s like a small child crossing an eight lane highway
On a voyage of discovery
Stand up to rock stars, Napolean is in high heels
Josephine, be careful of small men with big ideas
Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love…
God is love
And love is evolution’s very best day
Soul rockin’ people moving on
Soul rockin’ people on and on
C’mon ye people
We’re made of stars
C’mon ye people
Stand up then sit down for your love
Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…
26.2.09
ice cream dentata
i must have said i wanted ice cream aboot a million times today. i found this tonight and thought that is the kinda ice cream i want. i miss you so much but you were in my sleep earlier maybe you will show up again and we can get back to holding hands. please do not disturb my sweet dreams.
teeth on stuff always makes it cooler.
teeth on stuff always makes it cooler.
25.2.09
Think it's time I broke some glass Get this history off my mind
These are screen caps from a movie called Choke California. It is less than 20 minutes but will leave you introspective for hours on end. I wonder what my memories will be from these moments when I am older, will any of it be memorable to stay as my age fills my brain. I am sure it will have something. Do you ever wonder if somebody had been filming you all your life what a 2 minute clip reel of your life so far would be, more so what would get edited out next year to fit in things from this year. I need to document my friends more before I forget. I want to document smells some how too. I love the way you smell.
oh, it wears on your shoulders
it is ash wednesday and i am excited about this season of 40 days and the growth that could be produced. it is funny that i have chosen my foul mouth for the give up, since it has never been something i think that G-d really holds against me until oliver was born this year. anytime i am around children it is pressed on me to clean up my mouth and lately just the fact that when other people use sentence enhancers so easily makes me cringe. i wish that we showed love or told people positive affirmations as much as we cuss. maybe that is something i will pick up this lent season and try to let more people know why i think they are wonderful.
i spent much of last night trying to reconcile my heart to the fact that i place such heavy judgment on many of my friends, but each one gets it own set of judgment tailored especially to them like a little couture outfit created just for them clothing my eyes from wrongs they do and highlighting their curves. i debated with myself on how this was right or wrong and wondered if they should all be accountable to me in the same ways. my ultimate decision was no mostly because they all have different functions in my life and fill different parts, however i did find that all the outfits i create in them have similarities that cross over. each of them hemmed in honesty and stitched with loyalty. i know that my heart has been changing in the past few years and i am excited about its desire to be loyal and things it is more aware of.
i just wish that i still had the power to shake you up and watch you fall into place. to me you would make a marvelous snow globe.
this all will get harder before it gets easier we just can not let our hearts get hardened.
i spent much of last night trying to reconcile my heart to the fact that i place such heavy judgment on many of my friends, but each one gets it own set of judgment tailored especially to them like a little couture outfit created just for them clothing my eyes from wrongs they do and highlighting their curves. i debated with myself on how this was right or wrong and wondered if they should all be accountable to me in the same ways. my ultimate decision was no mostly because they all have different functions in my life and fill different parts, however i did find that all the outfits i create in them have similarities that cross over. each of them hemmed in honesty and stitched with loyalty. i know that my heart has been changing in the past few years and i am excited about its desire to be loyal and things it is more aware of.
i just wish that i still had the power to shake you up and watch you fall into place. to me you would make a marvelous snow globe.
this all will get harder before it gets easier we just can not let our hearts get hardened.
22.2.09
"If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door"
" You see there is a major difference–and it remains a vital difference–between a friend and a gay person, a friend in office and a gay person in office. Gay people have been slandered nationwide. We’ve been tarred and we’ve been brushed with the picture of pornography. In Dade County, we were accused of child molestation. It’s not enough anymore just to have friends represent us. No matter how good that friend may be.
The black community made up its mind to that a long time ago. That the myths against blacks can only be dispelled by electing black leaders, so the black community could be judged by the leaders and not by the myths or black criminals. The Spanish community must not be judged by Latin criminals or myths. The Asian community must not be judged by Asian criminals or myths. The Italian community should not be judged by the mafia myths. And the time has come when the gay community must not be judged by our criminals and myths.
Like every other group, we must be judged by our leaders and by those who are themselves gay, those who are visible. For invisible, we remain in limbo–a myth, a person with no parents, no brothers, no sisters, no friends who are straight, no important positions in employment. A tenth of a nation supposedly composed of stereotypes and would-be seducers of children–and no offense meant to the stereotypes. But today, the black community is not judged by its friends, but by its black legislators and leaders. And we must give people the chance to judge us by our leaders and legislators. A gay person in office can set a tone, can command respect not only from the larger community, but from the young people in our own community who need both examples and hope.
The first gay people we elect must be strong. They must not be content to sit in the back of the bus. They must not be content to accept pablum. They must be above wheeling and dealing. They must be–for the good of all of us–independent, unbought. The anger and the frustrations that some of us feel is because we are misunderstood, and friends can’t feel that anger and frustration. They can sense it in us, but they can’t feel it. Because a friend has never gone through what is known as coming out. I will never forget what it was like coming out and having nobody to look up toward. I remember the lack of hope–and our friends can’t fulfill that.
I can’t forget the looks on faces of people who’ve lost hope. Be they gay, be they seniors, be they black looking for an almost-impossible job, be they Latins trying to explain their problems and aspirations in a tongue that’s foreign to them. I personally will never forget that people are more important than buildings. I use the word “I” because I’m proud. I stand here tonight in front of my gay sisters, brothers and friends because I’m proud of you. I think it’s time that we have many legislators who are gay and proud of that fact and do not have to remain in the closet. I think that a gay person, up-front, will not walk away from a responsibility and be afraid of being tossed out of office. After Dade County, I walked among the angry and the frustrated night after night and I looked at their faces. And in San Francisco, three days before Gay Pride Day, a person was killed just because he was gay. And that night, I walked among the sad and the frustrated at City Hall in San Francisco and later that night as they lit candles on Castro Street and stood in silence, reaching out for some symbolic thing that would give them hope. These were strong people, people whose faces I knew from the shop, the streets, meetings and people who I never saw before but I knew. They were strong, but even they needed hope.
And the young gay people in the Altoona, Pennsylvanias and the Richmond, Minnesotas who are coming out and hear Anita Bryant on television and her story. The only thing they have to look forward to is hope. And you have to give them hope. Hope for a better world, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a better place to come to if the pressures at home are too great. Hope that all will be all right. Without hope, not only gays, but the blacks, the seniors, the handicapped, the us’es, the us’es will give up. And if you help elect to the central committee and more offices, more gay people, that gives a green light to all who feel disenfranchised, a green light to move forward. It means hope to a nation that has given up, because if a gay person makes it, the doors are open to everyone.
So if there is a message I have to give, it is that if I’ve found one overriding thing about my personal election, it’s the fact that if a gay person can be elected, it’s a green light. And you and you and you, you have to give people hope. Thank you very much." -Harvey Milk
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