you can look somewhere else if you want to.

wizard needs food badly. wizard is about to die.

soon to be another vacancy

born to run, baby, run
like a steam down a mountainside
with the wind at my back
i don't ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along
who had a hold of my heart
but the demon and me
were the best of friends from the start

so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind

I've given a lot of thought
on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.

I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast

I faintly remember breathing
on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more

Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl

You'll shut me up and bleed me dry.
Cheap champagne and a complicated lifestyle
If nothing else matters, then
I will die trying,
Tryin' not to think of my......

"Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man’ will gladly go and self all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods. It is the kingly rule of Christ, for whose sake a man will pluck out the eye which causes him to stumble, it is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him.

Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: “ye were bought at a price,” and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us. Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us. Costly grace is the Incarnation of God." - Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Dicipleship

I want to live more aware of how much is involved in grace. I have those enlightning moments where I am amaized at grace and how much was truly laid on the line for me and they fade away; I want to have those everyday without it fading. I am feeling such a heavy heart today because often when I read lately I have been left with more question and doubt than what I started with; however today I realized that my doubt and dissapointment I feel is so human and often in people not the Lord. I need to apolagize to myself today I let you down in a major way. I am sorry.

You seek up an emotion
And our cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
Going

One afternoon I knew I could love you

there is this bridge in cologne Germany that has something very unique that goes on. people will put locks on the chain link fence that is on the Hohenzollern bridge as a symbol of love. sometimes the locks are crude and just scribbled on with sharpee other times they are engraved with names. anyway it is a symbol for the two people in love. they lock it to the bridge and then throw the keys into the Rhine river below. this is something i have only seen at this place and something is so beautiful aboot it.

i keep thinking of the one afternoon i knew i could love you, and when i think aboot how beautiful it makes my heart feel; it feels like when the sun shines through on a cloudy day, you know the goose bump kind. you give me goose bumps.










Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care oh

- the killers "my list"

hotness

pure awesome. texas is hot 80 degrees. i am having fun with the sun and bet the moon will finally show his face tonight. i have missed the moon, more than the moon could ever know.

looking north north east

Another lonely night in Amersterdam
The stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day

When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes

I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it

Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down

And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay

And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone

I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay

I will write this down, I will write this down

Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?

I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay

I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...

womanizer

oh man so awesome!

this is what breaks my heart and makes me want to be loud.
dan white murdered harvey milk and if you do not know about this incident it should be your 5 minute Wikipedia history lesson for the day.
i know that my sins yelled crucify just as loud as this guys, but i am going to use kindness and love to win my battles not glorification of a murderer.


Hanani Lord, work in me.
Please forgive my obstination,
so seldom on my knees.
And I will keep it to a whisper,
as the Great Physician works in me.

my better 3/4

i am happy with today without thinking aboot tomorrow. naivete never seemed such a nice sweater to be clothed in. just for the moment i will know what is happening to me. i will like the sound of your voice on the phone and get lost in it. i will feel the water on my body in the tub only for that moment. i will take deep breaths of fresh air to quickly and choke on the humidity before the storm. the pieces of the moon you hide beneath your pillow intrigue me. i want to see them, i want to know what makes you such a soft place to land. i trust you with my life and i have no idea why i would hold such faith in a human but do. i remember the moment i knew i could give you more of me than i often give myself. i see more in me now than then and while it is still a struggle i am feeling like i am on my way. you make today better than yesterday and you make now more important than ever. it makes me feel like a future is not a silly thing to dream of no matter what it could hold. i feel a little less freaked out.

i think i am ready to bust a move.... now we are rocking steady.

i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know

your eyes were covered in sunglasses
when they first met my eye
i sat there and stared at you
you didn't seem to mind
the awkward ways we meet

first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know

i never cared how i dressed before
but i cared that night
anticipation ran through my bones
and my clothes never fit right
i can't wait 'til we meet again

first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know

framed pictures start to be put on the walls
constant visits while im out on the road
its hard to leave sometimes
but you know where i lay my head at night

first comes heavy breathing
staring at the ceiling
what will happen next
i don't wanna know
i don't wanna know

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid....

today i thought everything was going to be the same as any other day but i was quickly reminded how quick it all can change we are not made to last i just wish i could put my head on your lap will you tell me it is okay to cry i just need to cry i wish we were made to last

it is easy to get down when all you feel like is a yard man for someone elses yard

struggle "To use great efforts; to labor hard; to strive; to contend forcibly"

i share your burden in trying to find a true change in your soul. i wonder often aboot my struggle and if it is all in vein. i wonder if going to church is a way to make me feel better aboot myself or hold my self in higher regard to others. it feels like a constant up hill battle every day even when i feel at peace and happy i often find feelings of hypocrisy slip in. how can i be a witness when i fall down so often, how can i be a witness when i make up what i think is right in my own mind. the only comfort i ever find is G-ds love and how big it is. even in that some days i feel like a bad daughter because i sometimes battle with doubt that it could even exist, but those moments when the light shines through a cloud just so or i feel goosebumps i know there has to be something bigger than me.

the fact that something could create a universe for me and give me autonomy is amazing, but it always comes back to his love. that's when i know that even in my failures i am strong, because my heart always wants to share love with others. that fact that i just want to be genuine and really honest and loving is one i hope that he can respect and that shows people a glimpse into how big G-d is. i can say hey look at me i screw up a whole lot but i want to shine love into the world and the G-d i know can use even a wretch like me to do that. amazing that he can create something so perfect like the moon to show his beauty the same as he can use me. i am humbled by that.

do not get discouraged.

At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears. -Hebrews 12 11-14

No, I'm just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
Don't think I'll escape
Why would I escape you
Don't think I'll replace
How could I replace you
And don't be so hard on yourself
You won't get better til you get worse
Yeah you send a little smile my way

slight open mouth bite the bottom lip ....

i know that i have seen many of Terry Richardson's photographs before but today i thought i would share some kissing images....

get on your boots, sexy boots

crawl in the sun today as i chase all the monsters away
and i am glued to you but what am i supposed to do
when all i seem to do is bleed and you're the only one i need
oh i want to be addicted to you so i will chase after you like you
chase you chase after me like i chase after you

crawl in the sun today as i chase all the monsters away
and i think it's time for a change 'cause i won't, no i won't

and i feel so alone but that's the time i call my own yeah
now there's nothing left but you and me so i'll chase after you
like you chase after me like i chase after you

leave today i must take the time to heal
and i will steal what's mine and return
so just let it go and let it go

my palms get sweaty and it is on the tip of my toungue

ask me and i can tell you when we are not face to face.
we move mountains everyday and we never recognize the beauty of it.
we are all someones example of a life they would like to live.
some people live "successful" lives and never move someones heart. sure, there are plenty of wealthy liars out there. but me...

ive got to step it up, because i want something more.
more than the lies. i need to be better. i need you to know that i want to be better. and i need you to know that you are my inspiration. you.

You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for

Bright Eyes - Poison Oak

Poison oak, some boyhood bravery
When the telephone was a tin can on a string
And I fell asleep with you still talking to me
You said you weren't afraid to die
In polaroids you were dressed in women's clothes
Were you made ashamed, why'd you lock them in a drawer?
Well, I don't think that I ever loved you more

Than when you turned away, when you slammed the door
When you stole the car and drove towards Mexico
And you wrote bad checks just to fill your arm
I was young enough, I still believed in war

Well let the poets cry themselves to sleep
And all their tearful words will turn back into steam

But me, I'm a single cell on the serpent's tongue
There's a muddy field where a garden was
And I'm glad you got away but I'm still stuck out here
My clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears

And I never thought this life was possible
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for

The end of paralysis, I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier