J. D. Salinger The New Yorker, January 31, 1948

There were ninety-seven New York advertising men in the hotel, and, with her little lacquer brush, while the phone was ringing, she went over the nail of her little finger, accentuating the line of the moon. She then replaced the cap on the bottle of lacquer and, standing up, passed her left--the wet--hand back and forth through the air. With her dry hand, she picked up a congested ashtray from the window seat and carried it with her over to the night table, on which the phone stood. She sat down on one of the made-up twin beds and--it was the fifth or sixth ring--picked up the phone.
"Hello," she said, keeping the fingers of her left hand outstretched and away from her white silk dressing gown, which was all that she was wearing, except mules--her rings were in the bathroom.

jealousy, turning saints into the sea swimming through sick lullabies

my today included but not limited to:
*watching a complete cycle of america's next top model the cycle with kim in it... sweet!

*making plans to go out to a music show and drink some liquor but my conscious made me rethink that half way to the show and just came home home

* went to bed with, woke up in the night with, all day with, and currently still with a pit in my stomach

* said pit caused 4 trips to remove via mouth bile and other things eaten....* that lead to above graphic

*wishes she could just sleep... that would cure all that ales me

*if you were here i could sleep
anything but what i need to be doing.... its bad news to be in your house all day with snow outside...


I'm the ball in your game

look up at the moon
he will grin back at you
lets look up at the same time i will look for your reflection looking in the mirrors left by astronauts

deep breaths and foggy glasses
no hands just thought

i wish i could time travel to you
i want to live until 2082

i am ridiculously missing you like in a painful chest burning kinda way
my eyes are leaking and taking on water
where is my lifeboat

Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady

u2 stand up comedy

Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…

I got to stand up and take a step
You and I have been asleep for hours
I got to stand up
The wire is stretched in between our two towers
Stand up in this dizzy world
Where a lovesick eye can steal the view
I’m gonna fall down if I can’t stand up
For your love

Love love love love love…

Stand up, this is comedy
The DNA lottery may have left you smart
But can you stand up to beauty, dictator of the heart
I can stand up for hope, faith, love
But while I’m getting over certainty
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady

Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love

Love love love love love…

I gotta stand up to ego but my ego’s not really the enemy
It’s like a small child crossing an eight lane highway
On a voyage of discovery

Stand up to rock stars, Napolean is in high heels
Josephine, be careful of small men with big ideas

Out from under your beds
C’mon ye people
Stand up for your love

Love love love love love…

God is love
And love is evolution’s very best day

Soul rockin’ people moving on
Soul rockin’ people on and on
C’mon ye people
We’re made of stars
C’mon ye people
Stand up then sit down for your love

Love love love love love…
Love love love love love…


ice cream dentata

i must have said i wanted ice cream aboot a million times today. i found this tonight and thought that is the kinda ice cream i want. i miss you so much but you were in my sleep earlier maybe you will show up again and we can get back to holding hands. please do not disturb my sweet dreams.

teeth on stuff always makes it cooler.


illistrator is fun when you can not sleep

i love to have my head pet.

Think it's time I broke some glass Get this history off my mind

These are screen caps from a movie called Choke California. It is less than 20 minutes but will leave you introspective for hours on end. I wonder what my memories will be from these moments when I am older, will any of it be memorable to stay as my age fills my brain. I am sure it will have something. Do you ever wonder if somebody had been filming you all your life what a 2 minute clip reel of your life so far would be, more so what would get edited out next year to fit in things from this year. I need to document my friends more before I forget. I want to document smells some how too. I love the way you smell.

oh, it wears on your shoulders

it is ash wednesday and i am excited about this season of 40 days and the growth that could be produced. it is funny that i have chosen my foul mouth for the give up, since it has never been something i think that G-d really holds against me until oliver was born this year. anytime i am around children it is pressed on me to clean up my mouth and lately just the fact that when other people use sentence enhancers so easily makes me cringe. i wish that we showed love or told people positive affirmations as much as we cuss. maybe that is something i will pick up this lent season and try to let more people know why i think they are wonderful.

i spent much of last night trying to reconcile my heart to the fact that i place such heavy judgment on many of my friends, but each one gets it own set of judgment tailored especially to them like a little couture outfit created just for them clothing my eyes from wrongs they do and highlighting their curves. i debated with myself on how this was right or wrong and wondered if they should all be accountable to me in the same ways. my ultimate decision was no mostly because they all have different functions in my life and fill different parts, however i did find that all the outfits i create in them have similarities that cross over. each of them hemmed in honesty and stitched with loyalty. i know that my heart has been changing in the past few years and i am excited about its desire to be loyal and things it is more aware of.

i just wish that i still had the power to shake you up and watch you fall into place. to me you would make a marvelous snow globe.

this all will get harder before it gets easier we just can not let our hearts get hardened.


"If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door"

" You see there is a major difference–and it remains a vital difference–between a friend and a gay person, a friend in office and a gay person in office. Gay people have been slandered nationwide. We’ve been tarred and we’ve been brushed with the picture of pornography. In Dade County, we were accused of child molestation. It’s not enough anymore just to have friends represent us. No matter how good that friend may be.

The black community made up its mind to that a long time ago. That the myths against blacks can only be dispelled by electing black leaders, so the black community could be judged by the leaders and not by the myths or black criminals. The Spanish community must not be judged by Latin criminals or myths. The Asian community must not be judged by Asian criminals or myths. The Italian community should not be judged by the mafia myths. And the time has come when the gay community must not be judged by our criminals and myths.

Like every other group, we must be judged by our leaders and by those who are themselves gay, those who are visible. For invisible, we remain in limbo–a myth, a person with no parents, no brothers, no sisters, no friends who are straight, no important positions in employment. A tenth of a nation supposedly composed of stereotypes and would-be seducers of children–and no offense meant to the stereotypes. But today, the black community is not judged by its friends, but by its black legislators and leaders. And we must give people the chance to judge us by our leaders and legislators. A gay person in office can set a tone, can command respect not only from the larger community, but from the young people in our own community who need both examples and hope.

The first gay people we elect must be strong. They must not be content to sit in the back of the bus. They must not be content to accept pablum. They must be above wheeling and dealing. They must be–for the good of all of us–independent, unbought. The anger and the frustrations that some of us feel is because we are misunderstood, and friends can’t feel that anger and frustration. They can sense it in us, but they can’t feel it. Because a friend has never gone through what is known as coming out. I will never forget what it was like coming out and having nobody to look up toward. I remember the lack of hope–and our friends can’t fulfill that.

I can’t forget the looks on faces of people who’ve lost hope. Be they gay, be they seniors, be they black looking for an almost-impossible job, be they Latins trying to explain their problems and aspirations in a tongue that’s foreign to them. I personally will never forget that people are more important than buildings. I use the word “I” because I’m proud. I stand here tonight in front of my gay sisters, brothers and friends because I’m proud of you. I think it’s time that we have many legislators who are gay and proud of that fact and do not have to remain in the closet. I think that a gay person, up-front, will not walk away from a responsibility and be afraid of being tossed out of office. After Dade County, I walked among the angry and the frustrated night after night and I looked at their faces. And in San Francisco, three days before Gay Pride Day, a person was killed just because he was gay. And that night, I walked among the sad and the frustrated at City Hall in San Francisco and later that night as they lit candles on Castro Street and stood in silence, reaching out for some symbolic thing that would give them hope. These were strong people, people whose faces I knew from the shop, the streets, meetings and people who I never saw before but I knew. They were strong, but even they needed hope.

And the young gay people in the Altoona, Pennsylvanias and the Richmond, Minnesotas who are coming out and hear Anita Bryant on television and her story. The only thing they have to look forward to is hope. And you have to give them hope. Hope for a better world, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a better place to come to if the pressures at home are too great. Hope that all will be all right. Without hope, not only gays, but the blacks, the seniors, the handicapped, the us’es, the us’es will give up. And if you help elect to the central committee and more offices, more gay people, that gives a green light to all who feel disenfranchised, a green light to move forward. It means hope to a nation that has given up, because if a gay person makes it, the doors are open to everyone.

So if there is a message I have to give, it is that if I’ve found one overriding thing about my personal election, it’s the fact that if a gay person can be elected, it’s a green light. And you and you and you, you have to give people hope. Thank you very much." -Harvey Milk