one day i will get this under control. one day i will just capture light that changes my life in tiny grains of silver. i need the one thing that i just can't grasp. if you know what it is please let me know i am looking but i don't seem to have a flashlight.

today your success was my loss. i got my hopes up that it could be more than i guess it should be right now. i know i shouldnt but i feel like i did at 5.

i thought maybe for once i would get a break, maybe a win. i am in over my head and the only thing to do is sit here in the silence and listen to it.

"We're sick for the big sun
Alone and drip drip drip drip drip drip drip
I realize that too

True, true and everlasting
Didn't last that long
We're the lonesome
We're the lonesome
Yeah
True and everlasting
Didn't last that long "

i wish i could know what you were doing right now. i wish i was there with you and here and in a million other places. i know we did nothing wrong. i feel this insatiable desire to run and see the world. i want to be in 5 different places. i want to loose who i am and find a new me. tonight i am sad at who i am and what i have done. i know that it is partly because it is 00:24 and i am anxious. i know that it is partly because something miss fires in me and it is like a starting gun. i start off thinking that a run would be good but soon i am just alone. alone with this head of guilt and shame. i use to be able to see the future and while it is fun to think and day dream that is all it really feels like. i wonder if even next week is possible. i just have to go minute by minute or else it overwhelms and i feel like drowning. sometimes it just seems pointless and a futile. i am glad that friends a porch some beers and a moon can tempt me to come alive in the morning and try again. keep tempting me moon you are doing fine. i need a soft thing to focus my eyes on. this morning i awoke to a gun shot (for real) maybe tomorrow i will feel the wind and hopeful to hear you speak to my heart. bring it i am wide awake and i need to feel your touch. i know i might or rather really honestly not like what you have to say but it needs to be said. i am just like my heart deceitful and wicked above all things who could know it..... i don't like that i need some changes. lets operate. ready go.

all i ever did was look up to you.All i ever did was let you down.Was it everything you hoped for.Was it all of that and more.I am so selfish.G-d save me.