it is easy to get down when all you feel like is a yard man for someone elses yard

struggle "To use great efforts; to labor hard; to strive; to contend forcibly"

i share your burden in trying to find a true change in your soul. i wonder often aboot my struggle and if it is all in vein. i wonder if going to church is a way to make me feel better aboot myself or hold my self in higher regard to others. it feels like a constant up hill battle every day even when i feel at peace and happy i often find feelings of hypocrisy slip in. how can i be a witness when i fall down so often, how can i be a witness when i make up what i think is right in my own mind. the only comfort i ever find is G-ds love and how big it is. even in that some days i feel like a bad daughter because i sometimes battle with doubt that it could even exist, but those moments when the light shines through a cloud just so or i feel goosebumps i know there has to be something bigger than me.

the fact that something could create a universe for me and give me autonomy is amazing, but it always comes back to his love. that's when i know that even in my failures i am strong, because my heart always wants to share love with others. that fact that i just want to be genuine and really honest and loving is one i hope that he can respect and that shows people a glimpse into how big G-d is. i can say hey look at me i screw up a whole lot but i want to shine love into the world and the G-d i know can use even a wretch like me to do that. amazing that he can create something so perfect like the moon to show his beauty the same as he can use me. i am humbled by that.

do not get discouraged.

At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears. -Hebrews 12 11-14

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