i hope for your sake and mine it is far off in the distance.
i love the cool air from an open window on my bare skin right now bed is so inviting.
home makeover in process pictures soon.
formatting is over
formatting is over
rated.
16.5.09
10.5.09
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
--John Bell, “The Summons”
In my family being a follower was not a desirable role. In the Christian life, though, we must learn to follow God and to allow ourselves to be led by the model of the Good Shepherd.
In my own journey, “running out ahead of God” has been a challenge. Especially when I first returned to the church and was filled with the ardor for new paths of ministry, I plunged headlong into everything. I would pray for guidance and wait—for a while—but if I hadn’t gotten a clear sense of direction (from any of the ways I learned to “hear” God), I just launched out in the direction I chose-- or the direction my ego chose. Of course, discernment is challenging— but often I was just impatient—as so many of us are in this culture.
Other reasons for not following well are that our lives are too cluttered to even hear divine direction, fear of what God will ask of us, fear of loss of control, concern over loss of importance or, on the opposing pole, reticence at being called into the light of leadership.
However, if we are on the path of spiritual transformation, we learn that whether we “follow well” or not, God will teach us all we need to know. But there’s something about “hooking elbows” with Jesus and hitting the road together, something about feeling the current of our lives flowing with the confluence of God’s-stream that is exciting and peaceful all at once.
Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me. Amen.
(John Bell)
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
--John Bell, “The Summons”
In my family being a follower was not a desirable role. In the Christian life, though, we must learn to follow God and to allow ourselves to be led by the model of the Good Shepherd.
In my own journey, “running out ahead of God” has been a challenge. Especially when I first returned to the church and was filled with the ardor for new paths of ministry, I plunged headlong into everything. I would pray for guidance and wait—for a while—but if I hadn’t gotten a clear sense of direction (from any of the ways I learned to “hear” God), I just launched out in the direction I chose-- or the direction my ego chose. Of course, discernment is challenging— but often I was just impatient—as so many of us are in this culture.
Other reasons for not following well are that our lives are too cluttered to even hear divine direction, fear of what God will ask of us, fear of loss of control, concern over loss of importance or, on the opposing pole, reticence at being called into the light of leadership.
However, if we are on the path of spiritual transformation, we learn that whether we “follow well” or not, God will teach us all we need to know. But there’s something about “hooking elbows” with Jesus and hitting the road together, something about feeling the current of our lives flowing with the confluence of God’s-stream that is exciting and peaceful all at once.
Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me. Amen.
(John Bell)
9.5.09
...three, four
Talkin to the songbird yesterday
Flew me to a place not far away
She's a little pilot in my mind
Singin songs of love to pass the time
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
Talkin to the songbird yesterday
Flew me to a place not far away
She's a little pilot in my mind
Singin songs of love to pass the time
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whisper in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night
Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
She's not anyone
28.4.09
The second time around, you know it really got me down.
Sister don't you judge it, just keep it to yourself now. And
If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all.
I go bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit. I'm weary of the world it seems.
I'm weary of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way. I'm just a little bit off these
Days. Like I've had hard knocks all my life, like I'm a Bible
Belt wife. Like I didn't see it coming, like I didn't walk it
Willingly.
See, I never want to sing again. La la la like a butterfly.
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line.
Third time's a charm and this mine.
You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness
Seeping in. The cowboys made you uneasy, you're a
God-fearing lesbian. So you learn not to yearn and you
Take it on the chin again.
Here's what I find about compromise-Don't do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you're screwed, eventually
You'll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride.
Come August we'll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do
Her thing. Pack it into the Indian casino and make the
Hillbilly scene, kick up our heels and join in.
Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
Sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
Sister if you ain't go nothing good to say:don't say
Nothing at all.
Sister don't you judge it, just keep it to yourself now. And
If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all.
I go bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit. I'm weary of the world it seems.
I'm weary of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way. I'm just a little bit off these
Days. Like I've had hard knocks all my life, like I'm a Bible
Belt wife. Like I didn't see it coming, like I didn't walk it
Willingly.
See, I never want to sing again. La la la like a butterfly.
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line.
Third time's a charm and this mine.
You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness
Seeping in. The cowboys made you uneasy, you're a
God-fearing lesbian. So you learn not to yearn and you
Take it on the chin again.
Here's what I find about compromise-Don't do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you're screwed, eventually
You'll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride.
Come August we'll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do
Her thing. Pack it into the Indian casino and make the
Hillbilly scene, kick up our heels and join in.
Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
Sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
Sister if you ain't go nothing good to say:don't say
Nothing at all.
27.4.09
22.4.09
31.3.09
soon to be another vacancy
born to run, baby, run
like a steam down a mountainside
with the wind at my back
i don't ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along
who had a hold of my heart
but the demon and me
were the best of friends from the start
so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry
like a steam down a mountainside
with the wind at my back
i don't ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along
who had a hold of my heart
but the demon and me
were the best of friends from the start
so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry
30.3.09
This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought
on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing
on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought
on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing
on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl
23.3.09
22.3.09
21.3.09
"Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man’ will gladly go and self all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods. It is the kingly rule of Christ, for whose sake a man will pluck out the eye which causes him to stumble, it is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him.
Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: “ye were bought at a price,” and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us. Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us. Costly grace is the Incarnation of God." - Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Dicipleship
I want to live more aware of how much is involved in grace. I have those enlightning moments where I am amaized at grace and how much was truly laid on the line for me and they fade away; I want to have those everyday without it fading. I am feeling such a heavy heart today because often when I read lately I have been left with more question and doubt than what I started with; however today I realized that my doubt and dissapointment I feel is so human and often in people not the Lord. I need to apolagize to myself today I let you down in a major way. I am sorry.
20.3.09
One afternoon I knew I could love you
there is this bridge in cologne Germany that has something very unique that goes on. people will put locks on the chain link fence that is on the Hohenzollern bridge as a symbol of love. sometimes the locks are crude and just scribbled on with sharpee other times they are engraved with names. anyway it is a symbol for the two people in love. they lock it to the bridge and then throw the keys into the Rhine river below. this is something i have only seen at this place and something is so beautiful aboot it.
i keep thinking of the one afternoon i knew i could love you, and when i think aboot how beautiful it makes my heart feel; it feels like when the sun shines through on a cloudy day, you know the goose bump kind. you give me goose bumps.
Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care oh
- the killers "my list"
i keep thinking of the one afternoon i knew i could love you, and when i think aboot how beautiful it makes my heart feel; it feels like when the sun shines through on a cloudy day, you know the goose bump kind. you give me goose bumps.
Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care oh
- the killers "my list"
16.3.09
hotness
pure awesome. texas is hot 80 degrees. i am having fun with the sun and bet the moon will finally show his face tonight. i have missed the moon, more than the moon could ever know.
15.3.09
12.3.09
Another lonely night in Amersterdam
The stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes
I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...
The stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes
I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...
10.3.09
this is what breaks my heart and makes me want to be loud.
dan white murdered harvey milk and if you do not know about this incident it should be your 5 minute Wikipedia history lesson for the day.
i know that my sins yelled crucify just as loud as this guys, but i am going to use kindness and love to win my battles not glorification of a murderer.
Hanani Lord, work in me.
Please forgive my obstination,
so seldom on my knees.
And I will keep it to a whisper,
as the Great Physician works in me.
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